Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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