someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
