After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
