my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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