i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
