fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
