My hand turned me down
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
