So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
