Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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