had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
