Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
