You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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