are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
