It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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