Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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