I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
