We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.