nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?