He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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