i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
