it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
