my soul wont recognize me after tonight
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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