i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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