The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
