we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
