Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
