Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
