I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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