then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
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Sorry my hands just texted you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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