honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
