Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
