sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
