May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
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I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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