i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
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I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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