I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
