I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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