You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
