I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think my moral compass just broke
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
