12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
