the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I deserve this hangover.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
