The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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