Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
