I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I lost the right to judge tonight
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
