fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
