My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
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Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
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Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize