Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
my nose is crying tears of wow.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
