Plan B is the new Plan A
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
