I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Did I show you my penis last night?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
