Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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