Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
