I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
