I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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