hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
