Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
