Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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