does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
